kind of having a hard day.....

i want to start off by saying i am truely blessed to have such an amazing husband who loves me despite all my flaws! and i have a AMAZING little boy who loves to call me mom and give me kisses and loves to cuddle! we have been so spoiled with him!!!

and i would also like to say that i amd so blessed to have an amazing in law family!!! my mother in law who i love to call mom because that is what she is to me and she is so sweet and caring and knows just what to say and when i need a dt pepsi! lol and the rest of josh's family is so loving and i am truely thankful to be so excepted.

now i have been having a bad day today and i need to let out my thoughts or i am going to go into a deep hole and not come out for a while and for the sanity of my husband and my son i would rather not.

i dont know if everyone knows but josh and i were pregnant, we lost it in fact we lost two seperate pregnancies within a 6 month span, the first on as in may and we lost it at 10 weeks, it was horrible i was so depressed and nothing seemed to make it better i would blame myself and say i over did everything and caused it. the miscarriage was like giving birth all over again!!! i have never felt such pain!!!

the second loss was in august at 5 weeks, this was sadly was easier emotionally because i had already done this before but it still didnt make it any better.

i thought once again what is wrong with me??? why cant i keep the baby? and then i realized that the baby isnt really mine, the baby is the lords and it is kind of on loan while down here so that it can learn and be tested to return back to him.
yes i believe our kids are ours but i believe that the lord gives them to us to watch over so the way i got through this last one is i thought maybe the baby just needed a heartbeat and that was all.

so i was trying to feel upbeat a bit about it. but the reason why i am posting is not to get all this sympathy it is because of late i have many people i know that are getting pregnant and having babies and healthly pregnancies, and i for some reason am having such a hard time with it. i am so happy for them and i couldnt be happier for them and their families! but i seem to have a little envy and question why not me? i have been wanting jamison's sibbling for a while now and so why am i not having healthy pregnancies and everything?

i know because they are having babies isnt why i am not. i know that their bliss has nothing to do with my agony but i still cant help but feel a twinge every time i see someone i know getting pregnant and my wishing desperately that it was me.

well anyways i dont think anyone really reads this it is more for my release i guess but for those people who suffered through this post thanks for listening!

September in a nutshell!

So september came and went faster then i thought it could!! we had so much going on and had a blast every minute of it!

So first things first, where the heck did my baby go? i have a little boy now a toddler he doesnt have baby chunk anymore he is like a little man it is sad!

ok onward! So we decided on monday that it was time to take jamison to Chuck E Cheeses for the first time! and he had a blast!! he was running around playing with every game and it is finally a place where i can let him do that!!! and they have this cool stamp and you can only see under ultraviolet lights and so all three of use have the same stamp and to leave we have to show the door person the stamps it is a nice reminder that not just any creep can come in and take your baby!

Next we found a rocking jumping horse at a garage sale for 3 dollars and jamison just loves it!!! he rides it like crazy!! everytime he gets playng he runs straight for the horse! lol

next we went on our first family vacation! we went to the grand canyon and then down to lake havasu to visit my aunt judy!!! We went camping for the first time as we headed down to the grand canyon and it was so fun! and it was beautiful to have the canyons in the background! the grand canyon was breathtaking and poor jamison was asleep for all of it!!! lol but he did wake up to get a picture in front of the grand canyon sign!! and then we headed down to lake havasu to hang out with my aunt judy who hasnt seen jamison is about a year! so as we drove into lake havasu it went from 83 degrees to 112!!!! i couldnt believe it and told josh to grab a picture of it! and it was HOT HOT HOT the whoel time we were there! so what do you do when it is hot? we went to the lake of course!!! and we played on sea doos for two days straight! oh my gosh they were so fun!! josh and i were jumping them on wakes and we were seeing how fast we could go and i got mine up to 62 mph it is so fun you feel liek you are flying across the water not even touching it!!!

Jamison had so much fun on the shore! we brought him sand toys and he played like crazy and was running in and out of the water! luckily judy loves jamison and would watch him while we went playing on the sea doos! sadly i forgot my camera so i dont have pictures of being at the lake!

We also went to this old mining town call oatman and it is in the middle of BFE but it is a cool little town they have burrows running around the town free and they will come right up to you and everything! we have a bunch of pictures of them with jamison they loved him! probably cuz he smelled like food! lol they even tried to eat jamisons cowboy hat! lol

we had lunch in oatman at this restaurant that had dollar bills EVERYWHERE!!! they were on the ceiling and they were all over the walls! you signed your dollar bill and would hang it on the wall! it was so cool! but the service was HORRIBLE! but that is ok it was so fun!

sadly we had to come home but before we left we went to the london bridge, the actually had the london bridge disassembled and each brick had a number on them and the reassembled it here in lake havasu so we went down to see it and take a picture at the fountain.

on the way home we stopped for a night in vegas and we stayed t circus circus so jamison could play some arcade games and also win prizes so that was fun! nd josh won us money to pay for our dinner so that was great too! he is a smart black jack player!

so that is about it for september! i cant believe it is already october! and in like 6 weeks we get to go home to portland and see my dad!!! i cant wait!!!